only do they flush for those users who are too lazy or thoughtless to do so on their own, but they also save us the risk of touching something that could be carrying harmful bacteria. They seem like a brilliant, safe idea. They are brilliant, but their use is not limited to benevolent ends. They are, as empirical observations suggest, not just another method of breaching personal privacy, but possibly a sinister method of delivering harmful radiation. One investigator conducted several weeks of diligent studies in public restrooms around the town of Agloe, New York. Charles B. Middleton, a professor at Horace Granville College, and founding member of The Red Circle Health Initiative, went through several different procedures at each urinal, and within weeks came upon several startling findings. One embarrassing outcome was Dr. Middleton finding out that not only had photos of his genitals appeared on several internet sites, but that they were printed out and publicly posted by students at his college. Aside from the initial embarrassment, Middleton, a long-time proponent of clothing-optional lifestyles, saw little harm in that privacy invasion. It was events that occurred later which caused the earnest professor more anxiety. He found that he was stricken by several physiological ailments. Not only had his restless leg syndrome (RLS) worsened, but he diagnosed himself as suffering from the rare disorders of opsophagos, neurasthenia, and the embarrassing trimethylaminuria (TMAU). Most alarming to Dr. Middleton, was his noticing that he had a pressing need to urinate immediately upon awakening. He is currently undergoing a radical treatment regimen with noted anti-oxidant specialist Daisuke Serizawa.
Dr. Ephraim Waite of Miskatonic University has been conducting more "controlled" tests of the devices. First, in his lab, he found nothing in samples of the devices other than the electronic eye and the mechanical parts which engage the flushing mechanism. However, he surmised that the ones installed in many public restrooms had contained more, but removing them from any public locale would not only be difficult, but illegal as well. He had conducted his studies in several bars and restaurants around Essex County, Massachusetts and kept notes of the experiences of himself and some test subjects he had enrolled from his school.
The first establishment he had tested was a Mexican restaurant named "el Engaño Extraño ". After having dinner, (at separate tables and at different times) he and his associates noted shockingly similar symtoms after using the "auto-flush" urinals and/or toilets. All had experienced mild stomach distress symptoms, the worst of which was uncomfortable and uncontrollable flatulence. Three of the four participants also remember being thirsty even after they were done with their dinners. Dr. Waite wondered what could be contained in that device that could cause excessive thirst (polydipsia) but then became more concerned the next night. He and his cohorts went to a Chinese restaurant named "Húshuö Bädào Gardens". At different times they used the auto-flush-equipped fixtures, and during the course of the study they had all eaten dinner, but they all felt hungry an hour or so later.
Two of Dr. Waite's investigators also noted other "reactions" to the devices: Otto Tagträumer, (a second-year Ecogastronomy major) became unusually obsessed with the origins of the food they consumed, while Lucienne Menteuse, (a third-year Antediluvian Commerce major) complained of general feeling of "disconnectedness" and difficulty in concentrating several hours later on the both nights of investigations.
Waite consulted with an acquaintance of his - Dr. Arthur Kemp, a researcher in eating disorders, specializing in Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), at Medfield University. Kemp could not say for certain whether the auto-flush devices could have contributed to the abdominal discomfort experienced in the first restaurant, but speculated that there could have been something transmitted from the devices, in the second restaurant, which could have stimulated the hypothalmic neurons to inspire hunger in the subjects.
"I suppose anything's possible." stated Doctor Kemp in a text message. "They could hide some sort of laser which could stimulate the neurons, but I don't really know: I'm not a neurologist. ;-]" He also noted that Ms. Menteuse may have just been "tired" later on the evenings of their investigation.
At any rate, the next time you see one of those auto-flush devices - just remember that there's a slight chance that it can be more insidious than it appears.
